At the end of the day it's just you...

If you really know me, then you would know that I'm not only optimistic (b/c I am an Aquarius ) but I'm also a realist. 

I believe shyt happens for a reason, and so forth. 

They're are many things I've learned in life. One of them would be trust , and how to trust. I don't trust easily, I need proof to know I can trust a person. I have been through so much in my life that I believe it's my story and my past. I don't need everyone to know the hardships and pain I have. I have figured that I'm prone to losing people. As you can see in my other blogs I talks about my brother and mom a lot. My mom died of ovarian cancer and my brother got killed at work, which his death was ruled out as a accident, I believe other wise! But I will not keep you by blabbing on to my theory.  The pain I face everyday is was keeps me going, well besides my two amazing babes. If walls could talk no one could handle the shyt I've seen and been through. Ok ok! I'm done!sorry ADHD kicking in as getting me side tracked.. I guess I have a lot to say but don't know how to say it , so I keep jumping from one subject to another. Oops. 

I give great advice to a lot of my friends . And one thing I will stick by is, stay true to who you are, b/c in the end all your gonna have is yourself! And it's true. We are born alone so most likely die alone.  I don't like seeing my friends suffer , especially over a man. Us, as women deserve the best, well unless your a home wrecking hoe bag then please skip this, men can't live with out us. We keep our home together, bills in order, kids together, laundry, cleaning, fed, and the damn list goes on! We may not be the bread winner all the time but we sure in the hell keep shyt together! 

I wish I cold take my own advice. Maybe I would have make better choices. And made my life financially fit for my family. I try to face my problems and hi them head on. But sometimes I wanna just run away and take a break from life. But as a mom I can't do that. 

Well any who . If you don't take anything from this post I just want you to know that at the end of the day the bad things don't matter, your mistakes are forgotten, if it's broken fix it!, and it's just you! 

More privetcy please!

People don't realize that I'm a very privet person. I don't normally

Put my business on social networking or anything. Witting these blogs are the most that I've ever got personal. I guess it's because I don't tell anyone I know that I'm writing these. Like most people I don't like feeling as if I'm getting judged on the type of life and struggles I've faced. I may not have the best life, but I don't ever regret anything! 

Many things from my past have molded me into the women I am today. I don't dwell on the past, it's wasteful and meaningless. I feel like it's just a way to hold me back. 

I don't like people feelin sorry for me, so I don't talk about the rape situation. I never told b/c I refused to be known as "The girl who was raped" that's defiantly not my cup of tea! 

I do everything possible to stay out of the light. I don't need friends or anyone to talk to. I don't like conflict , but don't get me wrong If you wanna rock that boat prepare for it to sink! 

I don't like people knowing the conversations that I have , either if it's Facebook messages, email , or text I delete it all. I don't what anyone to have any kind of information .  But I've always been like that.  In high school I didn't have many friends, I didn't talk to  people if I didn't have to. When I graduated I just got over most of it. I WOuld date , meet new people, and party a lot. 
I eventually got over trying to say quiet, I had kids and a family. I'm going to college. Well the main reason I decide to go back was 1) my children deserve the best! 2) before my mom pasted away I promised her I would graduate college and have a better life. I'm so proud and happy to say that's exactly what I'm doing! I have one term left and I'll officially be a college graduate! I'm exited to see the smile on my dads and families face when I get my diploma! My family deserves a better life. I don't why my kids to want for anything. If we are shopping and they ask for something I want them to have it. But they will learn the value of a dollar and when they are 16 they will get a job! 
Sorry kids , that's life!! Lol 
Sorry my ADHD is kicking in , so I get all over the place b/c I think of what to type but I add it so I don't forget. As you can tell I'm a basket case and very unorganized.  Just comes with the territory I suppose. 
We'll anywhooooo , I've always struggled with my weight. (I bet your shocked here!!!) one day I was at school and this kid who was defiantly not a neck breaker himself decided to call me fa and some other shyt that I can't remember , I'm sure I've heard it Before. I got so mad I 
cursed this kid out. I told him he was ugly , his mom thinks he's ugly, and I can fix fat buy you can't fix ugly. Oh! Did I mention I was 10? Yea I was hell on wheels! 
My brother was always slim. I was active played every sport, soccer, volleyball , basketball, and football at home with some friends. 
I guess I find I easier to shut myself away from the world and be unnoticed to people can't judge me. Maybe it's a fear, but I call it privetcy!  

We all make mistakes.. Right??

So I've never really been the type to my business online . But it's like things build up so much. Idk if other moms feel the same.
Well when I was 20 I met this guy he was 31 at the time . We had fun together well at my house atleast. He was a nice guy and things started to get crazy with him. He only came over In the mornings when he got off work . After a certain time he avoided my calls. Well one weekend he was off and he said we would go out To dinner or something. Well I got stood up. Mind you he said he a as single and staying to help his sister for the time being and blah blah blah. I was young an dumb! Obvioisly!
So I didn't hear from him all weekend. So I sad Eff that , I knew what was going on. I knew him and his children's mom was back together . Welll I called  Him out on his shyt after , he decided to call Monday morning to booty call me! I'm suppose to be this mans girlfriend. His job and friends knew me and knew who I was to him.
Well any who ,  I'm the type of women that says how she feels weather it pisses someone off or not, I refuse to get hurt like what happened in my past . I told him it was over I knew he was with his children's mom all weekend. And I'm not gonna be lied to!  This man sat on the phone and cried to me. I was so mad that he kept lying and lying I just hung up and changed my number .
A month later I found out I was pregnant with his child. I was mad at myself . And I asked why did I have to be so damn stupid!! But I sucked it up . Called him and told him everything. He wanted to work things out , so as the adult that I am I tried. His children's mom knew who I was the whole entire time , he hates me and stalked me .
Our son was due in august, so he moved in to help me with the bills while I was on materiny leave, mean while he was back and forth between homes , I didn't realize this untill he stopped coming home after work in the mornings, never was I going to keep him from his other children, I wanted our child to know his brothers and sisters it was important to me.
So I kicked him out 1) he lied, and was sleeping with her again 2) he refused to help me with the bills like he was supposed to do when he moved in.
At this time I was 21 and a changed woman! I became a kick ass single mom . I moved in with my dad b/c in the process I lost my sons and I apartment , I worked late nights so I could provide for him, I would get home from work at 2am and be back up with him at 8. Thank god for my sister in law . Idk what I would of done with out her. This man has not paid child support , he's not seen his son in 2years, he's missed Christmas and birthdays. Idk other moms feel the same but I feel bad for my son that his biological father is not around, I feel like it's my fault , I should of made better choices. But I'm glad I have my son. He saved my life . He made it worth The fight and defiantly worth living!
Then in February I ment this amazing guy who took my son and I in!
We are now living together and planning a big wedding. Now we had a 6 month beautiful Littl girl.
I thnks God, my mom, and big brother every day for looking over us and making sure we have everything .
One thing I know is that their is light at the end of the tunnel, eventually! It may take awhile to see it but it's defiantly their. 💜💜💜

Lost pt1

I feel so lost. It's just my dad and I. I don't have my mom or my big brother anymore. My life has been full of amazing memories and loss. I'm tired of missing my mom and brother. I'm tired of the vivid dream. Their so vivid that I have to ask to make sure there really dead. I know I may sound krazi but its true.
I'm strong b/c of my kids.  With out them i don't know where I would be.

Alone

Things are different now that I lost my mom and brother. 
I feel like I want to just give up but instead I keep my head 
Up and continue on for my children. 
I'm tired of every time I have down time, done with cleaning 
Laundry , and the kids are in bed I get depressed . I feel bad 
Because my boyfriend is amazing but I just can't seem to
Focus on anything anymore.
I get worried the ppl in my life are just gonna to die anyway.
I know it's a stupid thing to think but that's all that ever happens.
 After all the ups and down I have still over come. And I've done
It alone. I'm still standing. I hope the light is brighter.